January 28th: The Special Day
I don’t remember the first conversation I had with Illiana in the DM, but I do remember the evening at Espresso Arts Hookah Lounge near the University of Arizona, where I spent almost every evening after work. I had a chat with Illiana, and we agreed to meet up. I packed my stuff in my backpack and walked out—the fact that it was my last evening as a child-free single guy at the Hookah Lounge stands out. My PT Cruiser wasn’t running at the time, so I took the bus to her apartment on the Southside (I never thought I’d end up settling down in the Southside, but here I am). I got off at the bus stop and waited for Illiana. Then I saw a lady walking toward me—that’s her, Illiana!
I didn't see Illiana as often because of my deadbeat PT Cruiser. After trading it for a new vehicle, a 2011 Mazda CX-9, I started hanging out with Illiana every day. I didn’t tell her that I had no place to stay, but it was clear to her that I was homeless, so I moved in with her. While living at her old apartment, I helped her with many things around the house and even took her to many places. We even went to Las Vegas to meet my mom and sister! We traveled all over Arizona a lot.
I remember we had conversations about future things like marriage, children, etc. Since we were sexually active, getting a vasectomy came up in our conversations, but I don’t remember how she felt about it. However, I never had the chance to get it because my primary doctor, who happens to be female, said I was too young for it. I think the lack of kids may have influenced her decision, but whether a man has kids or not, age 35 isn't too young to get a vasectomy. Illiana was on birth control, but it wasn't a strong form of prevention. She always wanted kids and marriage, but as a soft-core red pill-minded guy, I never entertained the idea of having kids or marriage, as freedom trumps everything in my opinion.
In March 2015, we both learned that we were having a child together. She had tried with other guys, but none of them got her pregnant—until me. My reaction was mixed: happiness, support, confusion, and disappointment. As an ambition-driven guy with high determination, I thought we could make it together, but my happiness began fading around the baby shower, though I didn’t show it. If you look at a picture of me and Illiana at the baby shower, it’s clear that I wasn’t happy. Even my own mom tried hard to make me happy about it, but my psychological issues wouldn’t allow me, even though I tried counseling and therapy. None of it worked for me until I started immersing myself deeply in red pill philosophy, which caused me to become emotionally distant from Illiana and even from women in general. I made it clear to Illiana the other day that no matter how beautiful a woman is, I don’t want to be involved with women again because I see them as threatening to my individual freedom. I’d rather deal with just one baggage than multiple. So, she’s in a relationship with someone else, but I haven’t dated anyone since.
Was Malik a child of a mistake? Maybe, but so was I. Mistake or not, I'm glad that we both love to see the world! Despite my mixed feelings and grudges towards Illiana, it's something I have to deal with for the rest of my life, and I’m grateful for her. I still have positive moments with Illiana to this day. I’m not saying that my experience with her was entirely negative, but it taught me that I wasn’t the right fit for her. At the same time, I appreciate having her in my life. When I met Illiana, she knew no ASL, yet she invested her interest in me, while most other hearing girls weren’t interested in me for reasons other than communication in ASL. Illiana never tried to cheat me out of money or resources like the Deaf girl I used to date, which was actually a fake relationship.
I'll never forget that during the pre-eviction proceedings at Palomino Crossing Apartment Homes, even though it was her own rent check that the office staff lost, Illiana didn’t fight it. She was distracted by someone she had begun developing a romantic interest in. I busted my butt to fight against the wrongful eviction action, and with the help of a housing attorney, the eviction was successfully dismissed. Even though we weren't together at the time, it was the last battle I fought in her favor – keeping the eviction off her record. After we went our separate ways, Malik became the sole reason I fight.
My relationship with Illiana was a big life-changing moment for me. Joining the Latter-day Saints church was a secondary life-changing experience because both were a cultural shock for me. Oh yes, becoming a father was a life-changing experience, but it wasn’t as impactful in terms of cultural shock, since being a single parent is common in my Florida world. It may have been personally impactful, but not socially surprising.
Again, I'm very grateful for Illiana. I wish nothing but the best for her journey, with lots of love. I’ve closed the door on relationships. People may say, "Reggie will change his mind," but that’s not happening. Once you go red pill, you never go back. I have nothing against marriage, but it comes with many disadvantages. As a full-time single dad and never-married bachelor, I don’t have to worry about alimony, marital taxes, or the many legal obligations that come with marriage. Nope, I’m not a player—it’s just a living situation preference that I enjoy. Additionally, I made it clear again that I have zero desire for companionship. But if I were to have a new partner, they would have to deal with Malik's people, including his mother, Illiana, and my co-parent, both directly and indirectly. Just like I’m dealing with her people, indirectly and directly, it would be her new baggage, even though it has nothing to do with her. I believe a new partner would deserve better than that, which is why I can’t have her in my life at this stage.
However, January 28th is a special day for me, and maybe for Illiana too. It’s a moment I’ll never forget! ❤️
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