Freedom from toxic masculinity

noun. a cultural concept of manliness that glorifies stoicism, strength, virility, and dominance, and that is socially maladaptive or harmful to mental health. - Dictionary.com 

noun. harmful beliefs about the way men should behave. — Oxford Dictionary.

Happy Sunday! I want to take a moment to write down my thoughts about toxic masculinity before my son and I begin our day. It’s important to me to process and reflect on this topic, and I hope that by sharing my thoughts, I can help create a more inclusive and compassionate world for him and all men in his generation to grow up in.

As I grew in maturity, I established freedom from the toxic masculinity culture I was raised in, and I hope to inspire other men who desire to better themselves.

I’m not sure how I came to realize I possessed toxic masculinity, but I think my self-awareness has evolved over time. This growth was especially evident during my four-year relationship with my former partner, my son’s mom, as I had the opportunity to reflect on how my behavior impacted my well-being and those around me.

Short background: I was technically born into my mom’s abusive relationship with a man I’ll call “Samson” (not his real name). We lived under his influence for my first eight years on Earth. Samson wasn’t my biological dad, but he played a big role in my early years. I never got to meet my biological father, and I’m pretty sure we won’t cross paths in this lifetime. He made his choice, and I respect that. Honestly, I think my childhood would have been even tougher if he had been forced to pay child support and stuff through the courts. No hard feelings, though — his absence was probably for the best! Anyway, back to Samson.

Samson was already in his 40s when he met my mom, who was just 19 and pregnant with me at the time — still a teenager herself! I’m not sure if Samson already had kids when he met my mom, but he had already established himself as a father figure. He came from a household influenced by Elijah Muhammad and Malcolm X’s Nation of Islam, having grown up in Buffalo, New York. Samson served in the US Coast Guard in his early years and later became a handyman and ran a plumbing business.

I have had mixed feelings about Samson — both positive and negative. I’ll share the positive aspects first. Samson never put his own interests above my needs. There were times when Samson and my mom got into fights, and my mom would become exhausted and defeated, both physically and mentally. During those moments, Samson never left me alone with her; instead, he would take me out with him somewhere ensuring my safety and well-being. Samson and I used to do typical “Father and son” activities together like wrestling (WWF, now WWE) matches, going to Fun ’n’ Wheels, the movie theater, and watching him work on handyman projects. Samson even attended sign language classes with my mom. I remember him signing to me when I was a kid.

There’s a dark side to Samson’s behavior. He was addicted to paying women for sex. While “womanizer” doesn’t quite fit, as it usually means manipulating or exploiting women without paying them, Samson’s behavior was more like being a “John” or engaging in transactional sex. It’s important to acknowledge this problematic aspect of his behavior. I never saw Samson smoking cigarettes, consuming alcoholic beverages, or taking drugs, but sex and anger were his addictive behaviors. His influence was extremely dominant in the household where my mom and I lived. My mom suffered a lot due to Samson’s toxic masculinity traits.

My mom escaped the toxic situation with Samson and took me with her, moving into Grandaddy Louis’ house in 1992. After their divorce, I still saw Samson a few times until the end of Summer 1992, then again when I was a teenager (14), and lastly when I was an adult (20). I don’t think I indirectly inherited toxic masculinity traits from Samson, but his behavior was definitely an early influence on my understanding of masculinity. Seeing how he treated my mom was really painful for me, and it’s had a lasting impact on me.

However, I unknowingly began applying practices of toxic masculinity when I developed my interests in competitive sports like football and wrestling at FSDB. Social influence was a big factor in shaping my toxic masculinity traits during my school days. I was surrounded by certain attitudes and behaviors that encouraged me to adopt harmful masculine norms.

Football and wrestling themselves aren’t inherently associated with harmful masculine norms; rather, they can provide young guys a sense of power and dominance. Football players often receive a lot of respect from their school mates and even school staff! As a new sixth grader who was easily bullied by my classmates, I was drawn to football when I saw it in action for the first time. I admired how the football players were treated on campus and wanted to be like them!

Toxic masculinity traits also developed back at home, two hours away from FSDB — at church! Church itself isn’t inherently bad; in fact, I have many fond memories there. Our family was heavily involved with the Deaf Ministry affiliated with the Southern Baptist Church. However, the Deaf Ministry, I was part of  had a close connection with Deaf Independent Fundamental Baptist Churches, which had a significant influence on our community. The IFB community has a deeply ingrained patriarchal system, which can be quite rigid and influential. Growing up in church, I unknowingly adopted many beliefs and views from the patriarchal culture around me, like the idea that women shouldn’t be allowed to preach or teach the gospel. Growing up with those teachings and influences from the church shaped my behavior towards women outside of the church in some really unhealthy ways — it was quite odd and harmful, looking back.

The harmful beliefs and attitudes I developed in my younger years stuck with me into my early and mid-20s. After facing multiple rejections, I started exploring online communities like MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Ways), which introduced me to the red pill philosophy. This ideology challenged my views on relationships and women, but unfortunately, it also reinforced some harmful side effects.

The core basis of the Red Pill philosophy is to avoid permanent relationships with women and having children, as these are seen as threats to one’s freedom. However, my dream of freedom was disrupted in 2020 when my ex-partner gave birth to my first child. I struggled with reconciling my ideal of freedom with my new role as a father. While I was able to end the relationship with my partner, I couldn’t bring myself to abandon my own son — that was NEVER an option! However, three years after my son was born, I decided to get a vasectomy to take complete control of my fertility. I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t have to sacrifice my freedom again with any future unplanned pregnancies.

As I’ve worked (Still working!) to overcome the harmful effects of toxic masculinity, having a son had made me reflect on my own concept of masculinity and question what kind of man I want my son to become. It’s a crucial consideration, as I want to ensure I’m modeling and teaching him a healthy positive expression of manhood. For example, instead of competing against other men, I compete against a weaker version of myself to become a better me. I want to instill this concept in my son’s manhood development, teaching him to focus on self-improvement and personal growth rather than comparing himself to others. Other example, I want my son to grow comfortable with his own masculinity without relying on others to validate or preserve it, unlike my first step dad, Samson, who was abusive and struggled with his own toxic masculinity, or I also don’t want my son to feel like he needs to prove his masculinity like I did when I joined the football team to fit in and maintain a certain image.

As I’m entering a new decade of life (I’m 40 now!), I’m reflecting on what it means to be a man. I want to cultivate a positive, healthy masculinity that benefits myself and others. I’m open to hearing different viewpoints and advice from people with diverse experiences and perspectives. What’s your take on masculinity?