What If?

In high school I wouldn’t shut up with my endless “What if?” questions. People loved it at first, until they didn’t! Even when people got tired of it, I kept asking “What if?” questions anyway. “What if?” became my coping strategy for social interaction. I didn’t know how to hold a conversation about most topics, unless it had something to do with religion.

By the time I got to Gardner-Webb, my “What if?” questions started to fade. I switched to storytelling instead — mostly about UFOs and whatever mystery caught my brain that week. I went to Gardner-Webb University from January 2004 to May 2005. After a messy spring semester, I got hit with academic suspension. They told me I could fix it by taking summer classes, but that wasn’t happening. So I left, officially a college dropout. At the time it felt like failure, but honestly, that decision pushed my life in the direction that brought me to where I am today.

I stopped being the “church poster kid” and started working regular jobs — Moe’s Southwest Grill, Disney World, and then a year at SeaWorld Orlando. After that, I bounced out of Orlando and headed to Arizona in 2007.

I won’t lie — 2005 to 2007 was a sad and embarrassing stretch of my life. But it’s also when I began thinking independently, outside of church expectations. When the Orlando community stopped needing me, I stopped serving them. And nothing bad happened. No judgment that mattered, no spiritual consequences. I didn’t realize it then, but those uncomfortable years were the first steps toward psychological freedom.

Almost two decades after leaving Florida, my psychological freedom is still evolving. At 40, I’m not worried about not having a car, a marriage, attention from women, or flashy clothes. I keep it simple and clean, and I’m good with that. And it’s not because I’m a parent—if I didn’t have a kid, I’d probably be living out of a van somewhere or driving an 18-wheeler across the country. My priorities just shifted.

I do catch myself wondering how life would have turned out if I had actually finished my degree at Gardner-Webb in 2008 or 2009.

Filmmaking and counseling were my strongest interests in the mid-2000s. So if I had finished at Gardner-Webb, I probably would’ve graduated with a double major in psychology and theatre arts. I might have even stayed to pursue a master’s in psychology and eventually gotten a license to practice mental health counseling in North Carolina. At the same time, I likely would’ve started networking with filmmakers through the university. I remember the director of the Gardner-Webb theatre arts department telling me he had connections at UCF’s film school, so it’s very possible I would’ve built my own film network back home in Orlando through that path.

As a 19-year-old ambitious preacher, I always talked about serving in ministry out in Los Angeles. Because of that, it’s very likely I wouldn’t have continued any close connection with my childhood church, First Baptist Church of Central Florida, after graduating from Gardner-Webb. Not only that, because FBCCF’s Deaf Ministry was connected to Harvest Deaf Ministries and their Bible college, I probably would’ve avoided getting pulled into that environment. Harvest’s Bible college strongly recruits Deaf preachers, and I most likely would’ve tried to stay away from that influence.

So whether I ended up staying in North Carolina as a licensed therapist, moving back to Orlando to network with UCF’s film school, or heading to Los Angeles for ministry, there are a few things I know for sure:

1. Arizona would’ve never been an option in my mind.
2. I’d probably still be in a Christian bubble, even if my beliefs changed a little.
3. I likely would’ve never picked up Start Late, Finish Rich by David Bach (Fall 2005).
4. I’d probably still be a socially awkward Christian adult.

That kind of path wouldn’t have given me the same level of psychological freedom. If I had graduated from Gardner-Webb, I would’ve left with inherited assets, and because of that, the church community probably wouldn’t have ignored me. They would’ve needed me, and I would’ve fulfilled those needs. The 20-year-old college dropout Reggie didn’t have that pressure — and ironically, that’s what set me free.

Let me rephrase: With a degree and assets, they would’ve wanted me, recruited me, and expected things from me. Without those status markers — which is what actually happened — they ignored me. And being ignored meant I was free to walk away.

I left Orlando because I felt useless. That uselessness caused drama in the church community, even though I wasn’t involved anymore. I believe my parents’ ministry took backlash because I didn’t become the “successful poster child” people expected.

My parents started distancing themselves from me, even if it wasn’t clear back then. They had their own issues to deal with, and I just added more pressure. Then a coworker at SeaWorld told me about Arizona, and I started reading motivational books that got me thinking differently. If I had nothing to lose by being useless in my comfort zone, then why not take a risk? Why not Arizona?

Looking back, I’m grateful for being “useless,” because it helped shape the lifestyle I have now. If I wasn’t useless back then, I might have ended up living a busy, traditional life — chasing careers, dealing with marriage problems, and stressing about family issues. I never dreamed of being a dad, but I’m glad I spent the first 15 years of adulthood child-free. A lot of my old high school classmates never had that experience because they became parents right after graduation.

Short “What if” conclusion: if I had stayed and graduated at Gardner-Webb, there would be no Chazark Wilder in 2007. I deserve my new name. My life and my meditation created it. I’ll talk about it in the next blog.